Just rest for a moment. It's OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And ... it's ... just ... OK.

sabi ng pari dito samin sa sermon ngayong gabi:

walang taong naiinggit na marunong magpasalamat.

it's 2 am and i'm still up.  lagot tayo nito.  tomorrow, i will be like the living dead.  papangit ako niyan. tsk. tsk.   i find it rather hard to sleep these days.  i try to be in bed, lights out, around 10-12.  lately, however, i find myself just staring out into the dark, senses sharp and mind on some random thing.  ewan.  sana lang bar yung iniisip ko pero hindi e. hehe.  nakakatuwa kasi yung last post ko di rin ako makatulog.  i hope i don't make this a habit. 

this sleeping difficulty is an aberration for me.  i sleep on the average around 8-10 hours a day.  yes, even during bar review.  i MUST sleep at least 8 hours or i'm running on fumes, yawning the whole day, or really cranky, or all of the above.  i need my sleep to function.  many times, though, sleep is all i do.  This being up and awake in the wee hours of the morning is rather weird for me.

wala. yun lang.  i hope i get to read a lot tomorrow.  i've been a bad bar reviewee. heehee.

i'm glad that i've been ok these days.  i hope that the following days will be kind to me as well.  my life is at a standstill and i have stopped asking the big questions.  i wish i were happier, but i'm in a good place right now.  i wish i can wish on shooting stars again.  and i wish I dreamt big.  and I wish I had the audacity to make those big dreams come true.  then again, maybe i just want a simple life.  simplicity usually means happiness, and complexity only despair.  these are rather disjointed thoughts so i suppose i should cease inflicting myself on you already.

good morning, everyone!

It's nearly 4am and I'm still awake. Yesterday was for the most part uneventful, for which the latter part of that day and the early part of today certainly made up for.

 

I hate being a doormat.  When I act all nice, cheery and childish most of the time, people tend to think I'm stupid.  Then they start kicking me around.  Being nice doesn't get me anywhere except getting bullied.  I hesitantly bend a few rules for accommodation purposes just because I don't want anything weird and people think they can always have their way.  I hate it.  I hate that being nice means people can step on you.  I hate it that being nice makes people take advantage of you.

 

And I hate it that I feel guilty all the time for everything, even if I'm in the right.  Guilt is heavy, and I'm just a tiny person for all that weight.

 

I wish people would be more considerate.  I wish people would actually follow the Golden Rule.  I wish people wouldn't be so greedy. 

 

I shouldn't be up.  I've been sick for two weeks.  Still am.  Right smack in the middle of bar review.  And I'm supposed to go to the doctor again tomorrow but I might not be able to given this. 

 

Lord, I prayed for sleep.  It didn't come.  Lord, I prayed for you to make me better.  I am still sick, though slightly better.  Lord, now I only pray that you please make the weight go away.  I did nothing to deserve this.

It’s around 4:35.  Just a few hours after the Pacquiao fight.  I should be resting my eyes and hands so I can finally take a bath.  Yet I feel this compulsion to write this. 

 

I was going through my things, “going through” is to put it mildly though J.  Hunting for my “Succession in a Nutshell.” My batch’s Succession Bible, I think.  I have May’s copy but I wanted to reunite with that thin sheaf of pirated copyrighted material that made that Succession Finals something not entirely hieroglyphics.  Anyway, so I was going through all my dusty stuff, boxes and all, when I came across some of my college stuff (yup, that’s how disorganized I am: law school and college stuff mixed in the same box sometimes).  There’s this plastic bag that’s all notebooks. There they were-- the few notebooks I kept in college—even then, me writing in notebooks was rare—but at least then in college I did try to maintain the appearance that I did. Haha. J It’s funny how sometimes I’d use up just four or five pages for a subject for the entire sem.    I did notice though that I did try to have neat handwriting then—although there was the occasional unreadable handwriting whenever I was scribbling down thoughts for a paper or whatever.  I had nice, neat handwriting—I think this was largely due to Sarah, who has impeccably neat and really pretty handwriting—block or cursive.  She was my roommate in freshman year college—nakakahiya yung sulat ko pag tinabi sa kanya!!! J I also found whole compositions for mini-papers written in illegible longhand in a calculus notebook, of all places!  I suppose it was when I didn’t have my own computer yet or maybe even when I had my own already, I had to settle for typing it in the computer lab because I crammed to the last minute. J  Memories.

 

There were also a couple of planners.  There was my Senior’s Planner, really cool and useful: thanks to our Senior Year Council and Sanggu (of which Gladys Bagasin was External VP---yabang!!! Uuuy, special mention! J) On the first page is a black page torn from a black notebook, with red letters in watercolour: FOCUS!  My way of conditioning myself.  It was senior year, after all.  The year that would spell the difference between Honorable Mention and Cum Laude.  The year when I, for the first time, computed my target QPI and studied like hell.  The first time I really studied and studied with a goal.  I wanted to do it for my parents—Mama especially, by special request. J  I think I have a replica of that sign still taped/tacked to my bedroom wall—I’ll check—Yup, still there.  It’s a bigger one—three black pages taped together with the same red watercolour letters.  The thing is, I never study facing that wall---so it’s useless. J 

 

Funny how I thought I could pull the same Senior Year stunt I pulled back then during my last year in school.  Ile-level up ko yung performance ko, I said to myself.  Pero wala. Kakainis. Tamad talaga ako—something I’ve always been. At complacent—something I wasn’t before.  I think I just had my worst sem performance during that last sem. Last na nga at tatlo lang ang subjects ko pero di ko pa rin nagawa.  Distractions, maybe.  And unnecessary emotional baggage which I tolerated.  It’s over though.  But there are some things from that sem that still hang over my head—like that mistake in my IPL grade.  Ewan ko ba.  Twice, I’ve been a victim of wrong counting.  Now, it’s wrong exam grade inputted. At June pa raw mareremedyohan –dahil daw hindi ako Summa at di rin daw ako Magna.  Insert bitter laugh here.  Kung alam ko lang—haha--Yun ang theme song ng graduation ko.  And there’s a bunch of other mishaps that I would not want to go over with you guys (and there are a lot—trust meJ).

 

Anyway, it’s just fun looking at what filled my days back in fourth year college, as per my planner.   Life before Jason, life before Happy Friends.   Meron occasional yellow post-it.  Tapos meron malaking nakasulat sa isang page na: CREATIVE POSE—in 2 weeks! Two pages after: CREATIVE POSE! Grabe, ang big thing na sakin nun. Haha.  I think it was my cousin that helped me come up with it and she even lent me her doll for the purpose (marionette ako tapos yung hawak kong doll ganun din!). for the first time, that year I didn’t go home for my birthday.  The space below November 2, 2004 says: My 20^th bday; Call Ziegprint; 1x1 pics.  Wow, my errands pa pala ako nun sa araw ng birthday ko.    

 

I also saw my 2006 planner:  law school na yun, first year, second sem.  It’s one of those Papemelroti planners that’s ½ crosswise in size.  May printed picture pa ni Robert sa back pocket.  I can’t remember how that got there. So, Robert, kasa-kasama pala kita nung entire 2006. Hehe. J well. School stuff pa rin.  Ang galing kasi mukhang nag-aaral ako nun. Hehe. Tapos yung ibang mga 16 may heart. Haha. Nakakatawa talaga. Yung isa pa si Gladys ang naglagay at siya rin ang nagsulat ng sarili nyang birthday.  Tapos sa Feb. 24 box, meron nakasulat: Supreme Court afternoon; Atty. John.  Ang tagal ko inisip kung sino si Atty. John.  May dinate ba ako nun na ang pangalan ay Atty. John?  Natakot ako dun for a bit.  Mayroon ba akong ginawa noon na hindi ko matandaan?  Di ko matandaan.  Tapos naalala ko, sa wakas, si Atty. John pala yun for our OMB report sa legal ethics.  Insert sigh of relief here.   Haha.   Pero nung magsimula yung November di ko na siya ginamit, except for birthdays.

 

Yun lang.  Nakakatuwa palang balikan yung mga gamit ng nakaraan—reminds you of who you were.  Snapshots of the you of yesteryear.  Gives you a point of comparison in defining who the you of today is.  I wish I kept a regular journal.  But I was never industrious even when it came to writing things down.  There would be brilliant pockets of thought often, or just your usual everyday whatevers—but i was, and still is, usually too lazy to ever put it down in writing.  The usual short notes in the margins of some of my notebooks had to do in reflecting my current mental and emotional state at any particular point in time.  Back home, there’s a bunch of notebooks that found my way to Mama.  Undergrad notebooks—with bits of angst and some journal entries in random pages.  She read them.  Embarrassed was how I felt.  Of course, I wrote them on the assumption that no one would ever read them.  oh well.  Interestingly, mama said afterwards that she knows that what i really want is to write and that is probably what will make me happy—but there will be a time for that—i would first have to do the things i have to do.  Right on, Mom.  First things first.  Now, there is bar review so that i will pass the bar the first time i take it this September. Naalala ko yung sabi ng isang lecturer sa CRC, when you pray, do not pray that you pass the bar.  When you pray, pray that you will pass the bar—THE FIRST TIME YOU TAKE IT! J  tama nga naman.  Make the prayers specific. Si Dean Riano yun. J

 

So there is the bar review now.  Must focus.  Wala na muna lovelife.  Wala na muna happy time.  Wala na muna masyado fun stuff.  Sabi nga ni Papa, five months lang naman yan.  Tama.  At sabi rin ni Mama, pagka nagrarant ako, Nasa sa akin lang naman ang pagpasa sa bar, wala naman sa kanila yun.  Tama.  No one else can study for me.  No one can tell me to study.  Sariling kayod ‘to.  Sabi nila ganun daw sa UP. Ganun nga.  Di review—first view, karamihan ng beses.  UP grad na ako ngayon. Maroon na rin,  mamon pa rin, pero pusong bughaw.  Pero UP law pa rin!!! Ang hirap kaya ng buhay namin dun, no?  Heart attack kaya parati (for me, at least).  Wala pang rights, kahit yun yung inaaral. Hehe.  Pero masaya din naman, depende sa kasama. Haha. J 

 

Cheska, focus.  Focus. FOCUS.  FOCUS! I should make myself one of those signs again, methinks.

 

 

 

 

Announcement pala sa mga kaibigan: naka-OFF ang phone ko for the most part of the day these days.  Para di ako tingin nang tingin.J  incommunicado muna (teka, diba yan yung pangalan nung Winlaw Embassy party? Hehe. J).  Happy summer, peeps!  Yup, kahit umuulan! J

 

 

Tuesday night (17 March 2009)

I had take-out coffee tonight because I thought that would keep me awake so I could study.  See, I haven’t been able to bring myself to hit the books these past few days.  All I do is hit the bed—and when I do, it’s dreamland for several hours alright.  No study whatsoever.  Anyway, the take-out coffee came in a sturdy plastic container so I thought instead of throwing it away, I could wash and save it as an extra container for my ever-growing collection of pencils.

 

For those who don’t know it yet, pencils have a special significance for me.  And, usually, these pencils come during exam time.  When I was little (little enough to still use just pencils in school), every time I’d have an exam, Mama would ask me to wait for her outside the school gate (the Porteria, if I’m not mistaken, it was called).  I’d go wait there knowing I’d get something special for good luck. Mama would always be late. (Haha. She still is for almost everything.)  So, I’d always bet with myself that the next tricycle would have Mama riding in it.  When Mama would finally arrive, it would always be worth the wait.  I’d have new special pencils (already sharpened, of course) and special baon to boot.  Special baon consisted of chilled juice in rectangular tetrapack cartons, like Hi-C, but I can’t remember what special food I got.  My parents made it a point to keep junkfood and fastfood at a minimum.  They still do.  I think juice in cartons qualified as semi-junkfood.  They like to keep our food as organic and natural as possible.  So whenever I got those, it was a real treat.  See, my regular baon was lemonade prepared by Papa and crackers or cookies.  Sometimes, my lunchbox would leak and my Skyflakes would be soaked with lemonade.  And I’d still eat my slightly soggy and lemonade-y crackers.  That was back in those times when Skyflakes came in thin definitely-not-waterproof plastic, pretty much like the packaging that polvoron comes in, only colorless, of course.  I was a nice little daughter and never told my parents about those incidents.  Sobrang bait ko noon at di mareklamo.  Ngayon maingay, mareklamo, magastos, at parating humihingi ng pera. Hehe.  I’m sure my parents find themselves wishing very often that I never grew up.

 

Anyway, those pencils and special baon were always something to look forward to.  I can’t remember what I thought those times when I was standing outside the school gate waiting for Mama to arrive.  Well, Mama never really said what all the fuss was all about but now that I’m older I guess it was so because I’d feel it was a special day so I’d do a little more than my best that day.  And I think those pencils really made my day extra special, made me feel that that day must be something that calls for something a little more than the ordinary.  It also perhaps made me feel that there were people, people I loved and cared for and people who loved and cared for me, who believed that I could do it and rooted for me as I was inside the classroom, answering the exam questions.  Never was there a doubt in my mind that I’d do well and ace that exam.  Mama always said that if others could do it, why can’t I?  And true enough for many years in my life, whenever the odds were against me (and boy, were there a lot of those times), moments which made me doubt myself and what I was capable of, I would just bring to mind what Mama said.  Mama always believed I was special, that I could do more than the average person, that whatever anyone could do, her daughter could do as well.  Mama doesn’t say these things anymore. Although I wish she would because I need those words now and I’ve been needing them for a long time.  Maybe because she knows that I should very well take care of myself now.  That I have my own wings now and the time to leave the nest has come and gone.  But the thing is, in many ways, I haven’t grown up.  I’m still that little girl who needs those new sharpened pencils and special baon every time there’s something big.    If anything, I have grown more unsure of myself as time goes by. 

 

I still get those pencils, although not from Mama anymore.  But I’m not sure they still mean the same.  I miss my pencils and my special baon, especially now that exams are not just the kind that are on paper.

Did you hear that?

 

Probably not, because you were talking  too.

 

Did you hear that?

 

Probably not, because I stopped talking.

 

Did you hear that?

 

Probably not, because you turned your back already.

 

Did you hear that?

 

That was my heart breaking.

 

 

My watch died at 10:25 am today. 

 

Now the hands will always tell the exact same time.

 

Not moving.

 

Strange how things that always move suddenly don’t.

 

Motion that one has always taken for granted.

 

My watch stopped ticking 10:25 am today.

 

I wonder what else stopped.

 

It’s been nearly 3 years since.

my last post was july last year.  strange. how fast time flies.

i usually write when i'm sad. actually, these days, even when i am, i don't write anymore.  it's just plain laziness, really.  maybe i should write more.  i envy those who write or blog regularly because are able to document what happens to their days.  hmm. i just had to rephrase that last sentence a couple of times because it sounds way too formal.  but it still does notwithstanding the rephrasing.  i mean who the hell uses "able to document" in a blog entry.  i am strongly of the opinion that law school is a WORD-KILLER.  your words die one by one, replaced by legalese.

it is nice to read things that one has written in the past.  sometimes i come across random journal entries (rarely written in real diaries, more often found in between class notes and what not), and it's interesting knowing what one has felt at that particular point in  one's life, that precise date, that precise hour.  and for those brief moments when ones eyes scan one's own almost illegible handwriting, one is transported--almost as if you were there again, in your room or the kitchen table, feeling exactly what you were feeling at that point, maybe even remembering what you were wearing or what happened that day before you sat down to write.

it also gives one a reference point.  so this was how i was two years ago?  shows one how much one has changed (or not changed, for that matter).  for my part, i can say that i've changed.  i sound different, i write different.  i write the way i talk, so i guess a change in one means a change in the other.  i miss the words i had once then.  they spoke of and were reminiscent of a wide range of emotions.  like i was a bigger person then, in a way--i felt more, i thought more, i lived more.  it's as if i looked at the world more and saw more--that i took the time to do so often.  i miss feeling that alive.

well, no one's stopping me from doing that, really.  i wish i'd be a little less lazy, is all. :)

weird.  wanted to change my yahoo mail password and every time i'd enter a new password, there'll be a prompt that says " the password that you entered is not valid." weird. and about a month ago, when i tried to change my friendster email, i couldn't. and when i tried searching my email ad, i found out that there was already a friendster account using that email ad and i didn't make it.  weird.

if anyone can explain that, please let me know.

anyhow, im in a coffee shop where i'm supposed to be studying.  but after eating pesto and after downing a huge glass of chocolate raspberry shake, not a single page of my civil law review cases.  im just plain lazy.  i had to get out of the house.  rainy afternoons are sad, unless you're canoodling. hehe. 

last night i watched (or tried to) the diving bell and the butterfly.  i don't know if it's because i've had a long week or it's an art movie that tried too hard but i wasn't able to finish it.  i tried to stay up notwithstanding the drowsiness but at around 1am i had to just stop.  didn't like it much. it won best foreign language film at the golden globe.  oh well, or maybe i'm just losing my artsy flair. hehe.  i'll finish it later though.

one good news though is that i came up with an SLR topic already (that's supervised legal research).  me very happy. because me vewy stupid when it comes to coming up with original ideas.  just not my cup of tea. me vewy  happy and proud of myself for that little achievement. see, i'm serious when i say that i'm incapable of some things like that.  me vewy happy. heehee. i had some help over unhealthy sisig dinner.

speaking of sisig, i think i've eaten sisig about five times this week.  yes, peeps, you got that right, about five times this week. that's a lot of cholesterol and i don't know what else.  no choice.  it's the only food in school after 5 pm.  i have to eat before my evening classes or else i'd get hungry right in the middle of class.  but don't get me wrong, i like sisig.  if only it weren't so unhealthy.

evening classes.  i have evening classes mondays to fridays.  tiring really.  so when i go home, i just watch something brainless like ETC.  actually, not much difference from the other sems since i never really was an evening person.  can get anything done during the evenings.  i think evenings are for sleep...and rest... and happy reading.  but these evening classes really take their toll.  for instance, i cant wake up any earlier than 9 or 10 am these days.  in the past, i'd usually sleep early then wake up early. oh well. mom says it's bad since if i get used to getting up late, i might have a problem when im working already.

work.  i quit work last week.  me free now. well, that's free as in me free to study. hehe.  study is ok.  if you're interested.  or if you make yourself interested.  my subjects this sem are ok, i think.  i want to study on my own a subject that im weak in, since i have more time now because im not working anymore.  maybe i can do crim.  like on saturday mornings or something.  then again, i usually do my laundry on saturday mornings.. no, i think, crim is more important so maybe ill resked the laundry. hehe.

i just realized also that i miss reading.  i was texting jason's lil sis last night and i was asking her about high school and stuff.  she said she liked her lit class and i said i want to be a lit teacher someday.  hehe.  yeah, i want to be a lit teacher or a philo teacher.  maybe when im sick and tired of being a lawyer, i'll study again to be a teacher.  that's what i want to do.  i've always loved to read.  and to think about what i read.  i used to spend hours on end just reading.  i like reading things that give me goosebumps.  that to me is the sign of great art---goosebumps.  yeah, laugh all you want but that's my standard. really.  that's because great art, real art takes you out of yourself.  it grabs you by the neck and slaps you senseless with the truth it carries with it.  it borrows your souls for a minute and takes it on a joyride.  i miss those joyrides. 

i also miss watching plays.  i met with my cousin kring last sunday and we promised to have lunch every other week and also to watch plays together.  i miss my cousin.  my cousin and i are a lot alike.  and i didn't realize how alike we were until we started living apart again.  when we lived under the same roof, im sure we got on each other's nerves a lot. hehe.  we don't think alike all the time but we speak the same language and that makes us understand what the other is saying and is going through and i miss that.

i miss a lot of other things and a lot of other people but i'll save that for other entries.  and i don't want to dwell too much on missing because missing/reminiscing takes you out of the present.  and i like the present.  not everyday, but today, right now, i do.  and that's because i've realized these past weeks that i am capable of picking myself up.  of picking pieces of myself up, and putting them together even for just a while, and looking at the world with fresh new eyes. see, ebcause even if there's a lot of pain going around, there are a lot of smiles going around too.  there are a lot of beautiful things to see everywhere and dwelling on the pain makes me blind to that.  happiness really is a choice.  it is a choice one makes every single waking moment.  i get sad sometimes and i say to myself, hey, girl! cheer up there, won't ya? it's a great day. too great to just frown on!  i am happy.  i am happy.  and it is not because a lot of happy things are happening to me.  it's because i choose to smile even when there aren't too many happy things.  and when i put that smile on, i find more reasons to make that smile bigger.  so smile, people.  it does make a big difference.  especially to you.